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| Relationships and Our Expectations |
Men want everything, without having to commit to anything!
Sure, these may be massive generalizations, but perhaps they accurately reflect young adult’s popular thoughts concerning relationships within our community? As a build up to YAM’s first ever "Live From The Den...Where the family deals with everything” discussion on next Thursday, May 12th, I - Pastor Tory, the young adult pastor at FCBC, will be pressing you - young adult men and women - to dig deeper into your feelings, thoughts and experiences regarding all matters Relationships.
For now, let’s start by focusing on the topic of Expectations. Whether we care to admit it or not, our expectations for our relationships and our partners are often shaped by *many* external sources. Hollywood, the music we listen to, our experiences with early "loves" and even what we've seen other people experience in their relationships influences what we expect from our partners. Not to mention, all these factors steadily play into what we think our hearts desire. And, what we "think" is the problem.
As young adults, we're spiritually, emotionally and mentally caught between the puppy love of our teenage years and a more mature love that we're striving to achieve in the future. So, in essence, we are still trying to get in touch with our truest selves, which will enable us to know our hearts' truest desires. Why must we first know ourselves? Because understanding who we are has a direct impact on who and what we seek in our relationships and partners. Without having begun the work to know ourselves, it is impossible to know what our hearts truly desire and impossible to establish genuine expectations for our relationships. Therefore, many of us are still expecting what the movies, music and mom/dad's relationship tell us to seek in a relationship and a partner. More complicating is the fact that such self-knowledge does not come over night and, even once we do attain it, is likely to change as we change and grow.
Getting to a place of where we possess the self-knowledge necessary to develop Expectations that reflect our hearts' true desires is not easy. Since there aren't overt markers of our own maturity as partners, if we pay attention, we can contribute to our development by answering reoccurring questions that plague us after each relationship-gone-wrong: Why do I continue to enter these unfulfilling situations? Why can’t I find someone who will be everything I need? What is it about this person that keeps me in this subpar relationship? Why do my relationships seem to get old and frustrate me in the same ways? Asking ourselves these questions can lead to the self-knowledge essential to developing genuine expectations - those that come from the core and essence of who you are...the "whole" you.
Getting to a place of where we possess the self-knowledge necessary to develop Expectations that reflect our hearts' true desires is not easy. Since there aren't overt markers of our own maturity as partners, if we pay attention, we can contribute to our development by answering reoccurring questions that plague us after each relationship-gone-wrong: Why do I continue to enter these unfulfilling situations? Why can’t I find someone who will be everything I need? What is it about this person that keeps me in this subpar relationship? Why do my relationships seem to get old and frustrate me in the same ways? Asking ourselves these questions can lead to the self-knowledge essential to developing genuine expectations - those that come from the core and essence of who you are...the "whole" you.
Now, you may have what you would consider to be genuine expectations of your relationships. Yet, allow me to push you...if your expectations are born out of a hurtful experience or a void that has been left unfilled by partner after partner, is it an emotionally, mentally or spiritually healthy expectation, or could it be that you're expecting your current partner to fulfill unmet needs and wants from your past? Your expectations in relationships need to originate from a healthy and whole you, versus ones shaped by hurts and disappointments from your past relationships. If we are not building expectations from the proper place, then it should not surprise us that during this heightened period of self-discovery - aka our young adult years - we end relationships feeling as though our expectations have been unmet and continue to be unfulfilled!
I could go on, but I want to hear from you on this issue: What has been your experience with expectations in a relationship…either from yourself or from a partner? I’m calling on my brothers and sisters to weigh in so that we can have some meaningful dialogue in preparation for “Live From The Den”!
Blessings,
PT
PT
5 comments:
Oh how I LOVE a “relationship” conversation!
“Women expect a fairy tale that won’t happen! Men want everything, without having to commit to anything!”
The opening statement couldn’t reign more true. Women are raised to live in a rose colored fairy tale. Starring a prince, that will upon laying eyes on you, recognize you for the wonderful person you are and profess his love. You all will live happily ever after behind a white picket fence. Men (I believe- b/c I don’t have a clue… I’m a woman and didn’t grow up with a man in the house) are raised to treat women like a sport…learn the rules, learn your opponent and PLAY the GAME…until your knees are bad and you can’t keep up any longer, then retire. (Joking…just a little)
As adults we have to take it upon ourselves and figure out what we’re looking for and be VERY honest about what that looks like. Only then will we not be swayed or settle for an imitation or something “close enough”. Of course there will be times “in the meantime” relationships serve their purpose. I love being in relationships b/c I learn more and more about what I want, don’t want, willing to work with and not willing to compromise about.
I digress… I could go on for DAYS about relationships! Lol
But to answer the question, “Whose fault is it? Yours or your expectations?”
Its’ YOURS! YOU are responsible for the decisions you make and the expectations you set. If you are basing an expectation off of someone’s actions or words its not THEIR fault you are possibly misleading yourself, it’s YOURS. It’s very difficult to separate your emotions from reality but often times they are not on the same page... Or same playing field to keep it relatable.
“All relationships will not end in marriage, but they don’t have to end in tears either.” (A dear friend)
Very insightful response from our "Dear Friend". I am still laughing at your analogy for men! I think we have a great deal of talk in our society about the issues with relationships, but not enough personal guidance with them in these formative young adult years. There are some things that only experience can teach (to your point that you love being in relationships because you learn more about you), but I do think having these types of self exploration dialogues can help shorten the learning curve...if one is seriously trying to do that type of honest work with themselves.
I kept myself in a relationship for years that I knew wasn't good for either of us, but being unhappy once seemed to be a worthy sacrifice for not being alone and lonely. Even after getting out of that relationship trap, the dating for fun, "single and free" expedition I spent the next few years on didn't serve me well either. Truth is, I held on for dear life to relationships to distract myself from acknowledging and tending to the flaws and pain that I didn't want to see in myself. I had to stop looking for someone to "complete me" and become someone who I could both like and love first.
Unexpectedly, I met what seemed like the perfect guy for me. (Well, perfect in all his imperfections, of course.) Everything seemed like the fairy tale love we all dream of... until I realized that I was still broken inside. I made the decision to walk away from someone who filled me with happiness and love because I knew that as long as I was still a fractured soul without confidence and true love for myself, eventually all the external love and kindness he could give me would not be enough to make me whole. I forced myself to focus totally on seeing everything I had internalized, (all that had kept me feeling afraid and restrained throughout my life so far), and I committed myself to becoming free of the strongholds in my mind that were keeping me from being whole and able to truly give and receive love.
A note in my study Bible says, "Loneliness is an attitude, a state of mind... Loneliness is a decision; we can choose whether or not to be lonely. When we're lonely, it may mean that we have not yet learned to enjoy our own company. We have not yet realized the gift of aloneness."
Even folks who are married or in a relationship need to "enjoy their own company", or like/love themselves, before they can find true happiness and wholeness in a partnership.
Wow, Kris. Thanks for sharing your story. So much wisdom there. I think I may have to print and save it for future reference.
Rachel
Man...Kris...the line you shared, "...being unhappy once seemed to be a worthy sacrifice for not being alone and lonely" perfectly captures so much of the flawed psychology that helps many of us justify certain spaces. It takes a very strong and brutally honest person to name and address that! And frankly, an even more honest person to walk away from what may have been the "best" relationship because you knew that you had work to do on yourself!!!
I applaud you and thank you for sharing. We collectively grow from our shared individual moments of clarity and growth!
PT
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