Relationship Expectations...continued!

What do you - personally - want?

I have a question for you: “What do you need in a relationship?”

Can you honestly – and practically – answer this?

The very first Live From the Den… was phenomenal! We had an excellent turnout and great dialogue. The night’s topic was “Expectations in Relationships” and, boy, did we dive into it!

Brothers and sisters together dealt with everything from identifying our honest/truest expectations to honing-in on and articulating how major concepts, such as “Trust,” “Honesty,” and “Commitment,” actually look on a day-to-day basis to understanding the struggle that comes when we push past the surface, and what’s socially acceptable, to acknowledge and own what matters to each of us personally. For example, when discussing the expectation of Commitment, one brother shared that – to him and his group – within the context of a romantic relationship, Commitment looked like a home-cooked meal. So, in order to feel his partner was committed, he didn't need bells and whistles. He just wanted this. For you, such may not be enough, or it may be too much to ask. Yet, that’s one of the purposes of this process: being honest about – and owning – what we as individuals with varied desires and pasts need from a partner. Not what songs say. Not what our parents or friends need. But what you and I need as an individual. This is what I refer to as our “honest” expectations.

Thursday night was just the beginning - lol! I asked people to leave and continue to do some homework about their personal and truest expectations and have been receiving some great reports! People are experiencing a-ha! moments. The amazing thing is that this type of work may begin under the guise of relationships but has a way of drastically impacting you as a person.

Whether you were with us last week or not, you can still join us in this work.

I am continuing the dialogue and want to know if you can answer the question: “What do YOU need in a relationship?” You don’t have to comment with specifics, but I am asking you to share what you learn about your expectations and uncover about yourself in the process of answering this question. For example, if you’ve always insisted that TRUST is a major expectation for you, share how it would look for you in a relationship. Talk back!

PT

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"FCBC Young Adult Ministry".

Young Adult Relationships: Thurs, May 12th @ 6:30p

Yeah, Pastor Mike and Pastor Tory?  We're all really of excited too!

An Un'Common' Kind of Relationship?

"I never knew a luh, luh-luh, a love like this
Gotta be somethin for me to write this
Queen, I ain't seen you in a minute
Wrote this letter, and finally decide to send it
Signed sealed delivered for us to grow together
Love has no limit, let's spend it slow forever
I know your heart is weathered by what studs did to you
I ain't gon' assault em cause I probably did it too
Because of you, feelings I handle with care
Some n*ggaz recognize the light but they can't handle the glare
You know I ain't the type to walk around with matchin shirts
If relationship is effort I will match your work
I wanna be the one to make you happiest, it hurts you the most
They say the end is near, it's important that we close..
.. to the Most High
Regardless of what happen, on Him let's rely...

There are times.. when you'll need someone..
I will be by your side..
There is a light, that shines,
special for you, and me.."

-- "The Light," Common

As I listen, again and again, to the lyrics of this classic, the question "Can all of this ever be possible in one relationship?" is ever present.  Over the years, I've realized it is emotionally safer to keep such questions as this one broad and philosophical, because doing so helps us to avoid the real question that nags our hearts: "Will I ever be able to experience a love like this?"

There is much more that I want to discuss about this song, but take a listen and hit me with the first thoughts that hit you as you take in its lyrics....

READ: 

http://www.lyricsdepot.com/common/the-light.html

Now, discuss....

Peace,
PT

Young Adult Love: Great Expectations?

Relationships and Our Expectations

Women expect a fairy tale that won’t happen!  

Men want everything, without having to commit to anything! 

                                                                                                                                                                                   

Sure, these may be massive generalizations, but perhaps they accurately reflect young adult’s popular thoughts concerning relationships within our community?  As a build up to YAM’s first ever "Live From The Den...Where the family deals with everything” discussion on next Thursday, May 12^th, I - Pastor Tory, the young adult pastor at FCBC, will be pressing you - young adult men and women - to dig deeper into your feelings, thoughts and experiences regarding all matters Relationships.

For now, let’s start by focusing on the topic of Expectations.  Whether we care to admit it or not, our expectations for our relationships and our partners are often shaped by *many* external sources.  Hollywood, the music we listen to, our experiences with early "loves" and even what we've seen other people experience in their relationships influences what we expect from our partners.  Not to mention, all these factors steadily play into what we think our hearts desire. And, what we "think" is the problem.

As young adults, we're spiritually, emotionally and mentally caught between the puppy love of our teenage years and a more mature love that we're striving to achieve in the future.  So, in essence, we are still trying to get in touch with our truest selves, which will enable us to know our hearts' truest desires.  Why must we first know ourselves? Because understanding who we are has a direct impact on who and what we seek in our relationships and partners.  Without having begun the work to know ourselves, it is impossible to know what our hearts truly desire and impossible to establish genuine expectations for our relationships.  Therefore, many of us are still expecting what the movies, music and mom/dad's relationship tell us to seek in a relationship and a partner.   More complicating is the fact that such self-knowledge does not come over night and, even once we do attain it, is likely to change as we change and grow.

Getting to a place of where we possess the self-knowledge necessary to develop Expectations that reflect our hearts' true desires is not easy.  Since there aren't overt markers of our own maturity as partners, if we pay attention, we can contribute to our development by answering reoccurring questions that plague us after each relationship-gone-wrong: Why do I continue to enter these unfulfilling situations?  Why can’t I find someone who will be everything I need?  What is it about this person that keeps me in this subpar relationship?  Why do my relationships seem to get old and frustrate me in the same ways? Asking ourselves these questions can lead to the self-knowledge essential to developing genuine expectations - those that come from the core and essence of who you are...the "whole" you.  

Now, you may have what you would consider to be genuine expectations of your relationships.  Yet, allow me to push you...if your expectations are born out of a hurtful experience or a void that has been left unfilled by partner after partner, is it an emotionally, mentally or spiritually healthy expectation, or could it be that you're expecting your current partner to fulfill unmet needs and wants from your past?  Your expectations in relationships need to originate from a healthy and whole you, versus ones shaped by hurts and disappointments from your past relationships. If we are not building expectations from the proper place, then it should not surprise us that during this heightened period of self-discovery - aka our young adult years - we end relationships feeling as though our expectations have been unmet and continue to be unfulfilled!

I could go on, but I want to hear from you on this issue:  What has been your experience with expectations in a relationship…either from yourself or from a partner?  I’m calling on my brothers and sisters to weigh in so that we can have some meaningful dialogue in preparation for “Live From The Den”!

Blessings,
PT

Free Shopping for People in Need!

FCBC 's Free Shopping Center - Sat, Feb 19

First Corinthian Baptist Church is hosting a free shopping experience for homeless and at-need New Yorkers.  The event is taking place, tomorrow, Saturday, February 19th from 11am - 3pm, at 1912 Adam Clayton Powell Jr. Blvd (7th Avenue) in Harlem, NY, NY.

Any men, women and children who are in need of clothing, shoes and outer wear are invited! Spread the word!

agape.

SERVE FCBC: Public Relations/Communications Help Needed!

COMMUNICATIONS * MEDIA RELATIONS * PUBLICITY * PUBLIC RELATIONS 

FCBC Family,

Do you have work experience in Public Relations or Corporate Communications and are interested in using your skills to serve FCBC?  If so, we're seeking volunteers to assist with planning and/or implementation for a very special launch/grand opening taking place around June 2011.  

As you can see, 2011 is an exciting time to get involved at FCBC!  If you're interested in finding out how you can use your creativity and professional skills to assist in this endeavor, please respond to FCBC.YAM@GMAIL.COM by Wednesday, February 9th.

Please note: this invitation is extended to all ages of public relations and communications professionals at FCBC.  So spread the word!

Agape,